Okay, so.. my head hurts now from thinking too much. I have lotza pimples on my head now. What next? A big bump on my head? XD Well.. I don't like thinking so much about complicated stuff like these. It makes my head spin and make me like more tiresome than ever.  So.. yeah. i've made a decision.. a decision I hope that I won't give up on.

A decision of "i give up". Sounds bad and negative, huh? But.. this is what you do when it so happens you're not selfish for once in your life. You give up some things for your loved ones. And this is the reason of why i gave up. I've always stressed myself on all the friendship problems that seems neverending. It was never neverending, I made it last myself. I was so dumb. and only now do i realise that I need to change my goal.. to change the decision in my heart.

I want to give you your freedom that you originally deserved and which i took away for quite a long period of time. i'm so very sorry. I don't know how to apologize... but for now, I want you to know that I don't care about my needs in your case anymore. I don't want you all to myself anymore. I don't care if she takes you away. i don't care if I don't fit in into any group of friends. I don't care even if I end up all alone.... Just know this : I'll always be here if you need me. Just don't.. use me as a replacement.

Okay. So.. I have this friend, she's kinda like my closest friend EVER! She understands me the most and she doesn't think I'm childish, boring or.. you get the trend.
We have the problem of our dearest friend ditching us for another friend who's more 'fun' to hangout with. So fine.. The other friend managed to take over our BFF spot. And we are sad and they totally ruined our whole year so far! Happy right..? They should be satisfied, right..?!

So why are  is The Other Friend trying to make our lives worse huh?! Why is she going off telling somebody that Christine sits at Richard's place every morning? Why does she have to tell others that I'm so damn emo???!!! (I mean, yeah, she's right, I was really emo for quite a long period of time, but now I'm ok) Hey, if you were me, you would too. Stupid Yi Wen! Thinks she's like.. you know, she deserves to own everything or something!

What did me and Christine do? What SHOULD we do? Any ideas??

I still really love you. Even though i may be having the most fun time of my life, my eyes always search for you. Searching.. finding .. you. Seeing if you are somewhere near me. i really love you. So much so that I can't even describe it in words.

If your heart is torn in two, and you feel like you've got nowhere to go or nothing you can do, you can always pray to God. He will help you if you just ask. Trust me.. you can trust Him. Of course, he wouldn't help you immediately, her will wait for the right time to do it. He is omnipotent, kind, generous and so.. patient. So why can't we try to be like that too? Won't it be nice if we were? So, just keep it cool.. and wait for Him to help you when the time is right.

Right now, for me, I think I'm not really contented with all that I've got. I just feel like its okay. I mean, Krystal's fine and all. She is a good person, kind, caring and responsible. I don't want to get her hope up or something. So I'm guessing I can always hang around EVERYBODY. XD. Well, lets just hope I'll be alright. i need some time off this whole friendship trouble. I'm getting headaches, muscle aches, backache, and goosebumps from all these. And worse still, I have my period sometimes dammit! And it isn't that good for my mental health. Lol. I seriously should do this. Just chill and cool out with everyone. I'll be back on track next year at most. I'm sick of you ditching me and leaving me in bitterness and pain. Its time I get back up and chill. Waiting for God's help for me.. I can never fully trust anybody except Him. Our Almighty Father.

I love everything, every animal, every hobby, every ambition, every living thing and everything that exists in this world. I can see, smell, listen, touch and taste them. I love this feeling.. I feel so free and wonderful. yet, there are only 4 tiny existence in this world that I detest and hate. And guess who one of them are? Its me.

I hate me for hating others. i hate me for being so stupid. I hate me for being crazy. I hate myself for hating these few people when i already love so many other things. What the hell am I doing?! Dammit! The other three is Rebekah Lau, Chanelle, and Zhi En. I don't really hate them. Its just that.. I always feel like I have this other conscience in me that brings myself to hate others. And coincidentally, I happen to hate these three. I used to admire them. They were quite a happy and good bunch of people. I just HAD to allow my conscience to take over me and destroy my love.

Not to mention, Zhi En. Everytime I look at her, I tend to stare and my conscience takes over me completely. I get all emo, and moody and I start thinking of the past.. all the stupid, regretful things that I 've done. Then, I cry, get mad, and I'll start to feel like crushing and smashing things. This happens everytime I see her. Its hard to look straight into her eye. I hate this.

Who am I? What am I thinking? If I really do love everything, then I should love them the same. Its just that simple. My mind and heart is makin' things complicated .. thats all I guess. i have to find a way to get rid of this hatred quickly. Or it might really stay there permanently forever.

I am so confused. I lost my best friend and now I.. uh.. I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. What is love? What is a friend? Who are these humans around me everyday of my life? Who are you? Who am I? Am I just a nuisance? Or am I meant to do something ..to serve a purpose in my life?

I love you.. from the bottom of my heart. I can't resist your smile. I can't resist your happiness. When you're happy around me, I'm happy too. I hate you.. I hate you for making me love you so much till my heart aches and make me go crazy!

Lucky I'm still alive typing here right now.. I think that if I were to kill myself right now, this entry wouldn't even be here. The only thing holding me back is not the fear to die.. yet the fear of parting from you. From that beautiful smile, from that cute face.. and from you yourself. There is also a Christian saying " God has a plan for all of us" I really believe that. In fact, I really know that there is!

But.. you made my whole mind messed up, you made me mad, you made me crazy. The only time I can be me around anybody is Krystal right now.. Eventhough she might not be my most treasured person, I feel like I can express myself to her. Like.. SHE is the one I'm supposed to love. Not you. But why? Why does my heart still whisper to itself.. that we were meant for each other when it seems so obvious that we are not..

I want to cry, I want to let it all out. Let this emotional feelings out. Start over! And .. don't make the same mistakes again. I.. just want to be with you. but I'm losing all my confidence in this one swift wind. Am I just a nobody? Or am I your best friend? Or am I Krystal's best friend? Is this the truth?

Why are you emo-ing after your finals finally ended? Are you mad? Have all your studying and memorizing get to you? (Btw, I'm talking to myslef.. =.=) Can't you just have fun and let it go? Or has it become a habit to emo all the time huh? You are crazy I tell you.. Really crazy! How are you gonna repent like this? You want it to have the opposite effect instead? Dummy! Stupid girl!!

Lalalalalalalalalalalala~~ one more day till the exam is over!! yahoo! I feel so great! meow~

There is only kesihatan and arts tomorrow! Oh yeah! Today feels so great~ Everything seems to be just in the right place. Not like every other day, everything's always a mess! o_o Giving it some thought, its always me who makes thing a mess anyway. If I'm not always so emo, everything would go smoothly.. like, duh~

Anyway,,.... == Yay me and for everyone in my school for finishing the finals early! Everyone else in the government school only have their finals in november.. ha! Beat that! LOL... ONE. MORE. DAY! ><

Its two days before the finals end for real!! Oh, come on.. hurry up and tick faster !! (Btw, I'm talking to time XD) What I really meant say was: I just want to have fun lar.. Like hangout with my friends, and just laugh and joke.. and you know, what NORMAL teens and kids do these days. Life at 13 isn't meant to be so complicating and depressing! >< I think I got this life-sucks virus from my friend =b.

When these two days pass, I'm telling you, I'm gonna go CRAZY! I hate secondary school final examination, it made my head ache!! xoxoxoxoxo... Today, I only have 25% of brain energy left LOL.. Kemahiran hidup, Science, Kesihatan and Arts left! Gambatte!! Work hard! Jia you!

And also, to my friend out there, I'll always be there for you to ask me for help. I know
that I can't replace that precious friend of yours, but I'll always be right here waiting for you.  Still, the best solution is to actually forget all about you XD, but i can't so... come to me when you need help, kay?

Is it just me? ..Or do I feel like my life's so hectic these days? LOL. I mean.. smiles cn make you feel a whole lot better! Seriously! If you keep emo-ing it will only bring you down.. and then, you can't help it but feel down after all! So no matter what you do, try to think of something positive and lighten up, yeah? A smile a day, keeps the sorrows and headaches away >< ! XD Besides, I still have final exams till Friday. I hate it. But.. it is necessary for students who are so-called smart like me.! I still have bible knowledge, mathematics, kemahiran hidup, science, kesihatan and Art left! Its soon... soon.. and I can be freed from this rotting prison!! yes!!

Happiness has always meant smiles, hugs, kisses and popularity to me.
But, now, I find that my happiness will only be happiness if I do not cry and I can love you freely.
You always seem like you're so bright, but in fact, you are as dim as the moonlight.
There is only little light left in you, because you never reach out to what you wanted, true happiness has left you and you are alone

NO ONE WANTS TO BE ALONE.

If you have something you like to do, do it.
If you love somebody, then love her/him.
If you want to play, just play!
Do things that can truly make you feel like you are happy and loved. In no time, even the darkness and loneliness cannot consume you. Because you shine so brightly everyday with the true smile on your face. I might've left you, but my heart shall always be with you. Remember that.
So, I just want you to be happy. For now, we are still young, do what you want to do, Don't listen to others when they talk negatively. Be happy!

Listen to your heart.. and it shall grant you the happiness you seek. Now and forever.